Log in

March 2016

Powered by LiveJournal.com

black_icis in loveadvice

Stay or Nay?

There's a bit too many details and backstory to be able to put here for super accurate advice, but I figured I'd try and ask for some anyway.

My boyfriend told me he didn't love me today. He has his reasons (I've passive agressively verbally attacked him several times, and cut off the relationship once). To him it's worthwhile to be with someone he doesn't love. I am not sure if it is worth it to me. I love him, and I want to be the kind of person that can be with someone one-sidedly. Their are no other problems aside from this that I am aware. We have fun. We like each other most of the time. I feel that if I could love myself enough for it not to matter that he loves me...it'd be perfect, no?

However, I'd come to a realization that perhaps being with someone who doesn't love me is not a situation in which I could love myself. He likes me well enough, but...Would it be self abusive to stay in a relationship where the other part does not love me? It would be hypocrital of me to say the least, I believe, considering I would not be with him if I did not love him. Is it wrong to be a hypocrite in that way? Can I attemt to chill out and not care about the fact that he doesn't love me so much, as long as he likes me well enough? Or is leaving the only way?

For now I've told him the former, that I want it to not matter so much to me if he loves me or not. I've told him I will stay in the relationship while I try to change my thinking, because I believe thinking that way would be independently...convenient (not quite the word I was looking for, but my vocabulary is quite limited). I've also told him I might not be able to change, but we'll see how it goes. He agreed. He is content with everything but the verbal abuse.

I just don't know. I can't sleep, and I'm going to be dwelling on this for a few days at least, I know it. Any advice would help. Even if I don't agree, I would like some outside viewpoints. Thank you.


From what you've written, it sounds like you do want someone who loves you back. Only you know whether the the other parts of the relationship are worth it.

I tend to think that people who tell someone in a long[er] term relationship that they don't love them but don't actually end it are just too chicken to break up with their SO. He wants you to do the hard work for him.
Hmm you may be right about him wanting me to break up with him. Thank you very much for the insights.
I think that if it bothers you, even in the slightest, that he doesn't love you, then you shouldn't be with him. You should be with someone who makes you happy, not who bothers you. Also, If you feel that you can't love yourself by being in this relationship, then that is self abusive, and you truly deserve better. Everyone deserves to love themselves. You come first.
Thank you. I agree. I just don't know if I can not let it bother me or to love myself with him I suppose.


If it is something you really want to try and work on, then I suggest you try it. Give it a trial run. If you find that it still bothers you, or that you're unable to just accept it, then you know my advice for that situation. Relationships can be very difficult, and it's hard to know what you truly want sometimes.

Re: Hmm.

True. Thank you very much for your words of advice.

Re: Hmm.

Of course, I'm glad I could offer some insight!