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March 2016

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ijustdepression in loveadvice

please help me...marriage advice

I just feel so alone. My wife and I used to be inseparable and she used to cry if we had to be apart. Now she is picking up more and more shifts and I see her less and less. I've been suicidal for about a month now, I've told her I am suicidal. She knows I have the gun. She knows I have a plan. She also found a noose I had made. She's a nurse and she is doing nothing to try to help or make me feel better. Not even a hug. We don't touch anymore. We have been together for over 3 years and just a few months ago things just changed. I haven't changed, she has. I am fairly convinced there is someone else even though she says there isn't. She leaves for work earlier and earlier and comes home later and later. One day she came home 3 hours later and wasn't responding to texts or calls. When I asked her why she said she had been stopped by her manager on the way out and got to talking and she didnt want to be rude and text in front of her while she was talking. I asked her if she realized now how I always feel like I am not important? She said yes.
Our one year anniversary for being married was New Years day and we were supposed to go see the lights and go to dinner. She slept for 32 hours instead. Her birthday was a few days later and she worked the night before and the night of. She texts me when she got off and said that she was going to get breakfast with her coworkers before she left. She had asked to cuddle when she got home before all of this happened and I cancelled my study groups to make that happen since it was her birthday. She ended up coming home and going straight to bed.
At 3am I sent her a long text message just laying out how I felt. Asking why she didn't ask me if I wanted to get breakfast with her on her birthday. Just told her how I felt. I had seen a couple at Starbucks that night and they were just like how me and her used to be. They were making me angry because I want what they have. The way they looked at each other is the way she used to look at me. How they acted is how we used to be. My heart was breaking throughout my study session and I couldn't leave so I had to try to ignore them and their 'I love you's the whole time. I told her about that incident. She ignored all of my texts and still has yet to respond. She's gotten up for a second and I asked her if she was getting up now and she said no, in a few hours when she gets up for work. I guess she's doing days today...We were supposed to get dinner together but that didn't happen. I thought maybe it would happen tonight instead but she won't be home until late. Yet another plan that doesn't work out.
I left the house at 11pm tonight and drove until 2am. She didn't even notice I was gone. I come home and basically stared at the walls. After I get done writing this I will go back to doing the same thing. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to just take the gun and end it. I have no family. I have no friends since we just moved out of state. I have no one. I am literally alone. I'm always alone anymore. How do I make her love me again? Why did she change so drastically? What do I do about her always being late and me being suspicious that there is someone else. She's mentally checked out. Now she is physically checking out. I have been emotionally abandoned. We haven't had sex in a few months now either. She used to be addicted to me. She used to always want to make love. Now she says she doesn't "have to have it" or doesn't "need" it. I told her its not about needing anything. It's about sharing that deep connection together. It's about losing track of time and everything else and just focusing on each other. I am so lonely and desire human interaction so badly. I want someone to want to touch me. I want to feel loved and appreciated. I want to be happy.
She is always on her phone when we are together. There is no conversation between us anymore. Upon reflecting today I realized that when I told her I was suicidal and trying to stay in control and asked why she acts like she doesn't care that I have the gun and she doesn't try to find it she said if you really wanted to it wouldn't matter because you still have all the pills...Today I realized that she just gave me another option to kill myself. That was her response. No asking why I wanted to or how I felt or anything. It made my stomach tie in knots.
Why does everyone in my life abandon me? Why am I not worth keeping around? I gave her everything, bought her any diamond she wanted, we just bought a house together. I'm broke now and have no job because I am waiting to take my nursing boards and can't find a job here because times are so tough. She hasn't been helping with any of the bills and all the money I had saved is gone. I test at the end of the month and hope I pass so I can start working and make money to help pay the bills and get caught up. We never even argue about money. I'm not like that.
When she had to move a few weeks earlier than me because I had to finish school she decided to buy herself $2000 worth of diamonds before she left home. We had just bought a house and hadn't closed yet and you aren't supposed to make big purchases like that before closing and she does it anyway. I didn't find out till later. She also had gotten a Marina put in for birth control after we had talked about her not doing that. She went behind my back and did it anyway then told me about it after. I had caught her in the past talking to someone behind my back. There's been some shit. I have loved her through all of the bs. I don't buy myself anything, much less $2000 pieces of jewelry. She is always getting packages in the mail, she is always buying stuff. I really need help with my car payments but there is no money left by the time she gets it it is gone.
I gave her the Love Dare book to do and she said she was reading it and doing it daily. She had left it on the kitchen table and I had taken it back when she said that so I know she was lying but I didn't say anything about it. I let it go. I think she thought that book was a self reflective type of thing but it's not. It's doing things for your spouse to make them feel appreciated and shit...So I am not even worth the time of a 5 second gesture or an I love you.
I keep saying there has to be something that happened that made her change but I can't honestly find anything. Nothing has changed. We have been fine. That is why I think there is someone else. It's the only thing that makes sense. I will kill myself if there is. She is literally all I have in this world.


OP, please get help. Your wife doesn't sound like she is either capable or willing to help you. It's hard to tell which. You cannot *make* her act a certain way, and texting often or reminding her you have a gun is not going to bring that loving feeling back. I was with a suicidal partner once and I was *so* at a loss for how to help him; I tried, but he still wanted to die no matter how much I loved him and he needed help outside of what I could give. So do you. You need to seek professional help while you are still willing to ask for it and ask your partner to support you in getting help.

Now you say you are not working; this my be why she is picking up more shifts. You need to be able to talk about money with her so she can help with bills. Maybe she doesn't realize there is an issue. Maybe she is bad with money. But you have to have a discussion; being married is a partnership.

You may not realize it, but leaving her a book about making your spouse feel special may seem passive aggressive to her. If she is working a lot there could be stress (the nurses I know are always pressured to work more and more shifts, and they are always really stressed out) that is leading to such a shift in behaviour. You may be pushing her away by trying to bring her closer without meaning to (believe me I have done it too). I think maybe couples counseling might be a good idea so you have someone impartial to help work out these differences, because it seems like the messages really aren't getting through to her. Remember that you cannot place all of your worth on one person. I speak from experience when I say I've been there and it was not easy and it puts a lot of pressure on your partner. If there are truly that many issues and you don't trust her, she may not be the one for you. That doesn't mean you have nothing, and you don't need to die because she wouldn't try or help you make it work. You can't change her, but you can change you and you can get help, find support, find reasons to live. There is always hope if you are alive, even if it hurts right now.

I encourage you, please, reach out to a professional, a suicide support line, just anyone you can talk to. If there is a possibility of working things out with your wife, she can't do it alone. I really hope you will be okay, OP.
All of that above. Please, look for professional help if you can.

Also, meanwhile, you could try posting this here: http://community.livejournal.com/_marriedlife_/ this community helped me a lot when my marriage was in trouble.

Get help and stay safe!
Agreeing with the posters above. Please call your insurance carrier and get a list of therapists and psychiatrists. This is a bad situation and you are in desperate shape; you sound too upset to see and think clearly. You need an outside person to support you, to figure out what is happening and to help you chart the best course. You are on the brink of starting your professional life and I bet there is happiness ahead of you, whether with your wife or without her, but you need someone to help you figure your situation out.
Google Narcissists in relationships. You may find an answer there.
First and foremost, Please get help. Please. Reach out to others. There are people who do care, including all of us strangers here on LJ. Sometimes it's easier to speak to someone online, or to a stranger about these things. But please know we care.

Numbers to call:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Suicide Prevention Resource Center

Also, I recommend these websites:

The American Foundation For Suicide Prevention
and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

As for your situation, it sounds like a very sticky situation. You mentioned that you texted her and she did not reply. Have you tried speaking to her about this face to face, where she can't just avoid responding?
Perhaps she is stressed. It sounds like she works long shifts, and stress can definitely take a toll on someone. That could help explain why she has changed. It does not necessarily mean there is someone else. I suggest reaching out to her, in person. Telling her how you feel, and your reasoning for it, calmly though, so she does not feel that you're accusing her of anything. Just talk about how you feel. Perhaps you can get to the bottom of what happened in your lives to cause her behavior.
She may be your everything. But you also have to know that you must be your everything as well.