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angelgirl1713 in loveadvice

Did I Really Do Something Wrong?????

All I want to know is if anyone sees, in any of these messages, me being rude, nasty, etc.

I was questioned by him the other day about the accusations put against me. I'm honestly at my wits end & even though they are "his friends" I do have to deal with them & maybe even sacrifice time with him because of them. I just want to clear this up & most importantly clear my name. I have never lied to him before, I never would & my facebook messages don't lie either since one can't delete a certain section of a facebook thread without deleting the entire thing. I need some advice on how to approach the subject without getting into another fight.

This is EXACTLY has it appears. I haven't fixed it in anyway, shape or form except for putting our conversation in Italic's & who sent the message in bold. Please tell me if in anyway this may have come off offensive, or nasty, or threatening. I need to know if I am in the wrong.........


November 8, 2013

November 28, 2013

Heather
11/28, 12:34am

Heather

Dana whats going on?

Dana
11/28, 1:37am
Dana

I'm sorry Heather, I didn't mean to ignore you, it wasn't my intention. I just couldn't talk to anyone at the time you messaged me. I've reached the end of my rope & I have no way of releasing all this bottled up pain & anger. My family, our situation, extended family who looks right through us, me, it's everything.... Greg, he's all I have that has kept me smiling & now I feel that I've let him down if not broken him. Everything was going so well, things were getting better just as I met him & then things go so much worse & this time, I just can't handle it. Now I'm questioning whether or not I'm good enough for him & if I'm what he needs. I've never had anything to call my own, not without having to pay a high price. Nor have I ever had someone love me as much as Greg. Now that I have all that & then some, I feel that, for a man like Greg, he deserves better, someone stronger, someone who hasn't been carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders since the age of four .... earlier. All I have to offer, it seems, is more burden. I don't want to lose him, I love him, but I don't know how I can be any good for him, especially like this. He needs someone strong, someone who can help him through all the pain & the battles he has to fight.

Dana
11/28, 1:56am
Dana

He's all I ever wanted, he really is & I love him more then I've ever loved anyone. I would give anything & everything I owned just for his happiness, especially because he has brought me so much happiness in the past few months then I could have ever imagined getting in a single lifetime. He's changed my world, he's changed me & all for the better. He shouldn't have to deal with someone who has no place in society as voted by the majority of society. There is no help for my family, we've done everything, everything & each time we get close, we're pushed back into "our place" I know how some people feel about our talk of wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, but I know he's the one. We have this special connection, this bond that not many are blessed to experience in their lifetime. There is something there, something strong, something powerful. I just fear, especially after tonight & my break down, that his heart had changed towards me. And all because I have had so much pain inflicted on me from so many & tonight, my heart just couldn't take another blow. No food, no money for food, no home, family who could help but chooses to go on vacation after vacation or just take out their anger on us because we thought it best to give someone who doesn't have too much longer a life outside developmental walls.... there's so much that's going Heather & it all leads back to me being nothing but a burden to the only person who has shown me & my family any kind of true compassion. .... I'm scared he hates me now & that he's having doubts & I'm scared, no terrified that whether or not he decides to stay & love me, that things will only continue to get worse. I have no one to talk to, I have no one to help. I shouldn't be burdening you with this either. I'm sorry for wasting the time it took for you to read this. Good night Heather & Happy Thanksgiving I hope you & yours have a wonderful celebration.

November 28, 2013
Dana
11/28, 3:24pm
Dana


Dear Heather,

Dana
11/28, 3:38pm
Dana

Dear heather, I am sorry for the long & over dramatized letter. I feel really bad about going over the top with you & the few others who had messaged me last night. The stress of everything has finally gotten to me & I ended up sounding like a crazy person when I replied to any messages I received last night. I'm not like this, I also hope you understand that. What you saw when we first met is who I am, no gimmicks, no secrets, what you see is what you get. As far as my rant about Greg, I was afraid, because it was the first time he's ever seen me like that, that I may have pushed him away. So as I was replying to you my mind was so focused on him it just ended up coming out in the email instead of what I intended. I hope you can forgive me for going completely ape shit & I hope you still want us to come down in Jan for that night or two. I still would like to give you & Megan your Christmas gifts of a trail ride & hopefully a little something more.

Anyway, I just wanted to say sorry for being so over dramatic (but I guess things like that happen when one cracks from so much strain) & I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Sincerely, ~Dana

November 29, 2013
Dana
11/29, 11:22am
Dana

Hey Heather, So I was just wondering what's been going on with you. I mean I've been feeling like you have been harboring some hard feelings. Yesterday was pretty much what confirmed it when Megan said that I had written you a nasty letter, which isn't at all true. I re-read the emails & no where in them was I expressing anything that could be taken as nasty. In fact I did send you an email yesterday apologizing for my rambling because I felt bad that I unloaded all sorts of stuff on you.

I would really appreciate it if you would talk to me about this instead of harboring whatever feelings you may have towards me. I would really like to know what I did or perhaps said to make you & Megan ( I got the feeling that Megan didn't like me from the get ) so upset with me. Does it have anything to do with Greg? Or the fact that we are together & serious about each other? Or is it something I did or said that made you so upset? All I want is the truth. Greg is really torn about this & so am I. If it has something to do with Greg, then I especially feel I have the right to know. I don't want him to feel that he has to choose or keep us separated whether its physically or through conversation or in any other way. I love him very much & his happiness means more to me then my own. I don't want to push anyone out & I don't want him to be the one in the middle that is being tugged at. I will break it off with him before it gets to that point. In no way am I blaming you for it so please don't take it as that. I just want to know what's going on & why I'm getting this feeling of rejection. I honestly don't understand any of it & it only seems to be getting worse. Eventually, I'm afraid that its going to get so bad that I will be shoved aside when he takes a trip to see you. I don't want that, I want to be able to go with him & enjoy spending time with both him, you and your sister. I don't mind giving space, but there is a difference between giving space & being unwelcomed which is what I feel I am. Besides, as I said before I will break-up with him before things get that bad, if they aren't already. It's not fair to me & it's really not fair to him. I know Megan already inquired about me going on the 14th. I wanted too, but I am going to pass because I don't need Greg to feel the tension on the night of his last performance.

I don't know what else I can say except maybe I'm sorry for whatever it is I've done to cause you and Megan to dislike me. What I do know is that I am not willing to put Greg through this any longer nor am I willing to lie to him about any friendship we may or may not have. I'm making the first move to try and resolve what ever issue there maybe & to try to be the friends I thought we were. Just tell me what you think I should do, because I am at a loss.

I would really appreciate it if you could get back to me today, preferably before I go into work at 3.

Thanks Heather & I hope that I didn't offend you or anyone else in the letter because that wasn't my intention. My intention is to keep peace between two of Greg's best friends & his girlfriend ( me ).

Sincerely ~Dana

Friday
Dana
1/31, 12:48am
Dana

Dear Heather, (Please Hear Me Out)

I heard that you called Greg today & I'm happy that things were cleared up. I'm hoping that you & I could clear things up too. I would like to start by apologizing for everything that got out of hand. I really do like you & being that Greg is a big part of my life & you are his too, I would like to try to be friends. I would like to forget about everything that happened & just start over ... please? It would not only mean a lot to Greg, but to me too. You're such a sweet person & a fun person that I would like to do the things we planned, like go horse back riding, maybe do some hiking etc.

The only thing that I ask is that if either of us are harboring any kind of bad feelings, that we talk it out. Also, that we both come to the agreement that Greg & I, just like you & him, are a package deal. Meaning, we don't leave each other out but we include each other & accept that. I wouldn't be any kind of a gf if I didn't, especially since he's under so much stress right now. I don't want to see him hurt again. So do you think there is enough space for the both of us to love him & be an active part of his life while involving each other? Pretty please?

Sincerely, Still Your Friend, Dana-Marie

Ps. I would appreciate a reply, I can't promise that I will respond right away, but I would like to know that you at least got this email & that you read it.

Monday
Dana
2/3, 10:41am

Dana

Dear Heather,

I'm really trying to make amends, more so for Greg then myself because I love Greg & I don't want to see him torn between two people. It's not right, it's not fair, especially when we could all just be friends & forget this ever happened. I don't understand why or how this happened in the first place, but I am more then willing to forgive & forget. You & I both know that this is eventually going to
start putting more pressure on Greg & especially right now, he doesn't need that. He has his schooling he needs to worry about & a new job that he starts tomorrow. Honestly, this never should have happened in the first place or ended the way it did, but we can't change the past. However, we are in control of our futures.
He cares about you very much & he cares about me too & I'm sure knowing he has to keep two people whom he cares for a whole lot, apart because we can't just move on, is weighing him down. He's going to want both of us to be apart of the greatest moments of his life, the happiest moments of his life, but how can we if we can't even overcome this? It's like we're a bitter divorced couple who is tugging on each arm of the child. Eventually he is going tsnap & one, if not both, of us will be without him. I really don't want that to happen because I know it would destroy him. I love him way to much to see that happen Heather.

So please Heather, I'm not just asking, I'm begging you, for Greg's sake. Can we please talk this out, make amends & move on? I'm not asking for you "friend me" on fb, I'm simply asking that we figure something out for Greg's sake, not mine, Greg's.

Thanks a Bunch Heather ~Dana-Marie

Comments

Would you put the Facebook conversation under a cut? It's pretty long. Thanks!

Why not show Greg the messages? There isn't anything that's really significant, except Heather never responded to your long emails. Then he won't be wondering what you said.

Honestly, I'd stop contacting her. She obviously doesn't want to patch things up. You need to move on. Show Greg the messages. Tell him you've tried to make amends and Heather and it doesn't seem to be working. THAT'S OKAY. You don't need to be friends with Heather. Yes, it is his friend, but she doesn't want to be your friend.

I don't know how to help you, really... Talk to Greg. Even if he isn't interested, I think you should talk to a professional about what is happening and how you're feeling.
Yep I agree with this, and a cut would be great, please and thank you. :) If you can also edit out Heather's last name as well, I think that would be best. I get that it is long, but as a mod I would prefer full real names not be disclosed.

I agree with everything in this comment 100%.
Can you please put this behind a cut, it's huge :) Thanks!
And it looks like you messaged her a whole bunch of times and she never responded? Frankly show him those messages, and then stop contacting her. She and her mother are apparently trying to cause drama- and it's not typically a good idea to run to HIS best friend when you are flipping out about the relationship. Just giving her a little bit of a foothold.

Sorry, one other thing, you need to bloop out the names or make up a name for each of you, its pretty easy for anyone to search you guys by your full names which can lead to some unwanted situations.
This definately needs to be under a cut.

That being said: I don't see anything rude in the messages, although I DO see you chasing her like a kicked puppy looking for attention.

Drop the rope here sweetie and learn to be the bigger bitch. Block block block ignore ignore ignore. These people should no longer exist to you, especially if they call that 'rude' or 'mean' behaviour.
\
So a few things jump out at me here. I wouldn't necessarily call them "wrong" in the sense that you have done something harmful to another person, but I do see some problems here.

You seem to have poor personal boundaries, an exaggerated sensitivity to perceived rejection, and codependent approaches to relationships.

Poor personal boundaries: you let people outside you, especially people who are not directly a part of your relationship, affect your happiness and esteem in your relationship. It does not matter what other people say or think. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, there are people who will hate you. You have a choice about whether you allow that inside your own boundaries. If you want a happy and successful life, you must be able to maintain personal boundaries.

Rejection sensitivity: I've been reading a great deal about this lately, because it affects someone in my romantic network. It's a need for acceptance coupled with a hair-trigger perception of rejection, abandonment, or loss, and yes, it will mess you up. One of the hallmarks of rejection sensitivity is the feeling that people owe you a response, often an immediate response, to any attempt you make to reach out to them. In reality, an expectation on your part is never an obligation on someone else's.

Codependence: This really jumped out at me: "He's all I ever wanted, he really is & I love him more then I've ever loved anyone. I would give anything & everything I owned just for his happiness, especially because he has brought me so much happiness in the past few months then I could have ever imagined getting in a single lifetime." You can not sacrifice your happiness for that of another person; that's never healthy. You can't assume that you can't have happiness or aren't worthy of happiness yourself. Trying to sacrifice yourself for someone else's happiness is the foundation of codependency. In reality, healthy relationships say "I will be with him and he will be with me for as long as our relationship makes us both happy."

It seems to me that, yes, the people around you haven't always been kind to you, but also, there's some work you can do on yourself. Doing that work might help you build more stable, happy, loving, intimate relationships.
THIS. A million times.