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February 2014

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angelgirl1713 in loveadvice

Depressed, Confused & Lost.....

Things haven't been so smooth between my boyfriend & myself recently & I think It's not only his stress / depression that's getting the better of him. I think it has to do a lot with his best friend of two years & myself. It's really a long story so I'll try to keep it short.

What happened was this, my bf told her about me, he was so excited to have me. We soon friended each other of fb & everything was great in the beginning.... until we met. After we met, things started going down hill. A big part of me believes that it's because she has feelings for him another part believes what my bf says she claims to have been worried about all along, us moving to quickly. Anyway, I kept feeling the tension rise & rise & rise, until, eventually she stopped talking to me all together. I then started to notice her status', whenever I posted something or made a note, she would make status' that just didn't seem right or conveniently timed. There was one in particular she posted that something very close to, "Did you ever have a gut feeling that you knew someone was making a big mistake & you couldn't do anything about it?"

My bf had soon after made a support group on fb & asked myself, Heather & her sister to join, which we did. I posted a recent experience I had with a kidney stone & how this specific hospital put me last out of everyone in the ER & at the time I was the patient who needed the medical attention. Heather's sister started insulting me & Heather found it amusing sort of speak by commenting with an lol followed by a calm down directed towards her sister who had just insulted me. My bf did come to my defense then. I tried to smooth things over myself by sending her an email that wasn't rude at all. I even had My bf read them when Megan said that they were nasty & uncalled for. He read them & said bullshit. But now, he's doubting that, as if he's in denial. I feel like he cherishes them more then he does me & at one point, he said he would sacrifice them over me because he didn't want to lose me.

Soon after that, things got so bad that they had asked him not to bring me when he went down to see them & then again when it was their turn to his see last performance of Les Miserables (which never happened due to a snow storm) my bf eventually got everyone on Fb to talk & that's when it all came out. Megan said she didn't like me from the start, that there was something about me. Heather stayed someone silent, but then blurted out that she didn't care about our stupid relationship even though that really wasn't the point of the talk. The whole point was to try & smooth things over. My bf had become the middle man & I didn't want that for him. I tried to keep peace, I tried to make suggestions, I never once (even though I wanted to in the worst way) said anything rude or hurtful. Megan however, kept insulting me, cursing at me, she even told me to Shut The Fuck Up. Greg came to my defense then & that's when they stopped talking.

Two months passed & then Heather called apologizing to him, but not to me. She inquired if we were still together, but that was about it. I did get upset because I feel that I deserve an apology for the way I was treated. He & I had gotten into a fight, now, just the other day, he accused me of lying to him. Heather, Megan & their mother said that every day in November I sent her nasty emails. Believe it or not, I have every email I ever sent her still. I looked back & none of it was true. It was all good up until I had a mini break down & HEATHER inquired about it. I started to talk to her about it then I went off topic because I was afraid that I had scared him off because of my mini break down. No where in there was I insulting, rude, etc. When she didn't reply & something happened been said between Heather & him that he told me about, I confronted her & sent her an email asking straight up if I had done something, said something or if it was the fact that he & I were together because she was showing so many signs of jealousy when her & I first met. The only issue in that entire email I could see was at the end when I explained that I wanted to keep peace between her, her sister & his gf (me). I even showed these emails to my bf, but he doesn't believe me I guess. He kept saying that they would never lie to him, but they did I have the proof right here. And that they, Heather, who he's been friends with for two years, have acted like his anti-depressants & that when she called & said sorry to him & that she missed him, he started to become his old self again......

I love him so much, I know he is the one I want to be with. Me makes me feel like no one else ever has, we have so much in common, but I feel like his love for me now is dying. I'm going to try to confront him tomorrow by showing him that they lied. But idk how he's going to take it. What if I lose him? Things have been changing between us, he's been snappy, he's been distant..... I love him. I would do anything for him, even sacrifice my own happiness. My mom sees it, but I'm afraid that he doesn't see it anymore nor feels it anymore. Before he couldn't wait to marry me, he talked of children & consistently "liked" things that I directed towards him on fb, but now .... it's like he passes it up & doesn't even care. He use to make time for me, MAKE TIME but now (disregarding the fact that he's got online classes) he doesn't seem to be trying. He even said that right now making me priority with everything that's going on considering his family & what not, isn't a good time. He also admitting to putting me last when he always tried to put me first. Those two things he said, plus, You Don't Know Me, were all on Saturday when he broke plans he made with me earlier in the week. Yes he seemed & I do believe he felt bad because he told my mother without me knowing & he told me that on Monday, tomorrow, he wants to try to make it up to me. I also asked if he was still In Love with me & didn't just love me, he said yes to that too.

I really need some advice.... No one has ever made me feel the way he has. I see myself completely different now because of him, but now it feels like I"m losing him.... I'm losing his love. Again I say that I know he is perfect for me. We have more in common then I could ever ask for with only a few minor differences that wont even effect a relationship like I like horror movies & he doesn't. I feel like I'm losing apart of me .... the best part. I can't even describe how I'm feeling, that's how much I hurt & how scared I am. If you have any advice, please I could use it.

I'm  desperate & in need of help before I lose him completely.

Comments

If you lose him over this, then he is not worth having in the first place. Things are going to get rough if he doesn't get his head out of his ass so remind yourself of that and be ready to cut your losses if you have to.

How do you picture your future with these women in it? Let me tell you what will happen:
Engagement - Ruined by drama
Pre-Wedding festivities - Ruined by Drama
Wedding - Ruined by DRAMA
Announcing Pregnancy - Ruined by DRAMA
Any celebration of any milestone - Ruined by DRAMA

These women do not like you because you take his attention away from them. They think you usurped Bestie's place in your BF's life. They are treating you like the other woman, because in their mind you are. They want to get you out of his life so Bestie can take her "rightful place". Sounds crazy right? Because it is. The good news is that it is nothing personal, they would have done this to any woman he dared show interest in. The bad news for you is that they have had years to learn how to push his buttons, and you as the "new kid on the block" have an upward battle ahead of you. Decide if you are willing to fight that battle, then remember there is a good chance you might lose it anyway.

Unless:

You get into couples counseling right now. You should probably have a male counselor, who has experience with substance abuse, and believes in "leave and cleave" which is a doctrine that prioritizes the relationship between significant others above other relationships. I say this because, such counselors are used to the type of emotional manipulation and pressure these women are bringing to bear. You should also pick up a few self help books to read. "Emotional Vampires" is a good one, so is "Toxic Inlaws" and "Boundaries".

In the meantime you need to drop the rope with these bitches, and fast. From here on out you DO NOT ENGAGE! Block them on FB and other social media, block their numbers from your phone, send all their emails to a special folder marked "crazy" and forget it exists. If you have to, just check it once in a blue moon to make sure that their crazy is not ramping up.

Speaking of email. Backup the emails back and forth with them to another account, print out a couple of copies and store them in different places. Continue to add any future emails to the stored ones. That will be your proof that the escalation was all on them if you need it for anything official, such as an RO or a court case.

(No, I am not trying to scare you I have just seen this type of crazy before.)
This. All of this. Seriously, follow this advice!
I definitely understand all of this & I agree with a lot of what you say, however, I do want to add something. Yes we have talked about marriage but not for a while down the road. Without even trying we've found all these things we had in common. I don't need him to be happy, but he does bring out the best in me & he has done so much for me in such a short amount of time.

The thing about these two girls, is that I can't drop them without having to sacrifice more then what I believe I should. Here's an example & I can see it playing out this way. His birthday is coming up in April & we plan on going to Atlantic City which is passing by Absecon, NJ where they live. I'm sure, now that they are back in his life, that they are going to want to see him / spend time with him too. So there are only a handful of ways to deal with this. We two go down, then he comes back, drops me off only to go back down to be with them. Or He comes back a few days later goes back down to be with them. Either way it's a waste of time, money & gas & it's highly unfair. It's unfair to him especially Because he has to wear himself thin because they are childish.

I have sent her two emails since they "reunited" and she hasn't answered one. In fact, he confronted me & asked me to tell him the truth about what I said, if I felt threatened, etc. Then he went on to say that even their mother said I had sent her a nasty email nearly everyday in Nov which isn't true. Now out of curiosity I checked my fb to see if I had these emails still, but I thought once they were gone I deleted them.... I didn't. I have every single one. & if you have a facebook, then you know that, in the long line of messages, you can't delete certain ones out of that stream without deleting the whole thing. I re-read them & I don't see where I could have been nasty or what not except for one part at the end when emphasized me being his gf. Even then, I have a right too since I am. I was hoping that you could, as well as everyone else, could read them & give me their opinion as to whether or not I've was cruel. It starts with the last conversation we had before things went down hill & ends with the two emails I sent her just recently (2mos later)
The only thing I can say is that you and he need to have a talk about what is going on. If he wants to be with you, he needs to be willing to stand with you and talk to his sister and friend. There has obviously been a breakdown in communication either on their part or your boyfriend's or even you.

You all need to sit down, in person, and get it all out in the open. If they don't like you, you won't ever win them over to being friends with you but if you're with him, then you all should be able to get along and tolerate each other for his sake.

You're all adults (I think, I don't know your ages) and should act like it. If they are not willing to put this behind them and your boyfriend still thinks you are lying to him, you should think about what is best for you in this situation.
They already did a FB "sitdown" that turned into the "let's turn the OP into our emotional pinata" shit show. Having another one will just embolden these women to think they have a say in OP's boyfriend's relationships, which they don't.

Let him handle them, you handle yourself from here on out. Personally if the relationship survives, I would never let these women anywhere near me, my home, or my future children. They lost all rights to that the minute they tried to destroy your reputation and relationship.


I'm viewing this as an intensely emotional relationship where you are quickly identifying with your significant other, and you're losing your sense of identity. I understand the intoxicating feeling of being with someone who makes you feel complete. I understand that this creates the feeling that there is no one else who could possibly be better suited for you, and that you want the rest of your lives to start right now. But it also seems like you're making the entire relationship the most important thing, and not your own sense of well-being. What makes that the case for me the use of phrases and expressions like: "I love him. I would do anything for him, even sacrifice my own happiness," "No one has ever made me feel the way he has," and "I feel like I'm losing apart of me .... the best part."

A person should not be your most defining attribute. Your sense of who you are cannot be tied to who you choose as a partner. Your partner is supposed to support and bring out the best in you, not supplant your sense of identity. The kind of relationship seems to be particularly damaging because the erasure of boundaries makes it extremely difficult to navigate feelings, sense of comfort, and self. The fact that you two are already talking about marriage within about five months or so (see previous post) of dating seems to suggest a strong need for security that supplants more sensible desires.

To echo the above commentator, I think you two should seek couple's counseling. I also think that it'd be worthwhile for you two to also have individual counseling (if you don't have it already). I know the issue feels like it's about his particular close group of friends who are acting as interlopers to your relationship (they are), but you guys will be faced with various opportunities for your relationship to be challenged. The two of you will need to learn how to effectively navigate these kinds of challenges, and to also learn how to communicate in such a way where you two can have realistic expectations on how you'll conduct your affairs. By that, I mean that it's important for the two of you to identity what your limitations are, and how that impacts the way you manage your lives. The fact that your significant other deals with extremely high stress levels, and depression means that he can only manage so much tension between you and his support network. The fact that he has a particular history with him family means that he is learning to navigate what is otherwise a healthy relationship. I'm not too sure what your limitations are, as this and your previous post is more about your boyfriend, but I'm sure that your own struggles play into how you both perceive and manage the dramatic dynamics between you and his friends. These things need to be explored in a safe and calm environment.

Regarding these people, eject them from your life. Your boyfriends doesn't have to do the same, but in the very least, you can allow yourself to be free of their problems. The onus is on them to remain civil, and if that means that everyone will have to put up with one another at social functions, then so be it. He will need to evaluate how best to manage his friendships with these people, and that will need to include their acceptance of your relationship with him as the bottom line. This person may have feelings for him, and it may be hard for her to manage, but it's inconsequential. He is with you and the relationship is a committed, monogamous one (or so I'm presuming), so she needs to accept that. If she cannot, then his prerogative should to transition away from the friendship, as it would no longer be a healthy one. This is not to say that he would be choosing you over her, but that he's choosing himself over an increasingly unhealthy friendship.
He's not my most defining, he compliments me. As far as these two, I can't without hurting him. He's trying to keep us separated as it is. When he's talking to her I know, but he makes other excuses because he knows there's a lot of tension but the thing is I am trying to forgive & forget, I'm making the effort, but she isn't coming back with any replies. My new thing now is talking to him & proving to him that they did lie to him, since he is insisting that they hadn't & never would. But first I need to make sure I wasn't what they thought I was being when I sent them messages. I have them exactly as they appear on fb, I'm just posting them on here for advice .... to see if others see what they claim I have done.