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October 2014

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how soon is too soon to move in together?

okay so, relationship-y question for you all!

a little history: i'm basically within spitting distance of turning 20 (march 3rd) and my boyfriend is almost 22 (march 27th). we've been together for almost three months, and i guess you could say we weren't really "friends" before we started dating. we literally started talking, liked each other immediately, got to know each other better and became exclusive a few weeks later. he's actually in the navy so he's stationed in georgia, and i live in new hampshire. uhhh if it's relevant at all, we decided to become exclusive before meeting in person because we knew we were going to hit it off when we did meet in person, and we felt like we knew each other fairly well. so he came to visit a few weeks ago and everything was absolutely perfect. i mean if our relationship was in college, it would totally be a chemistry major because we REALLY hit it off and had a lot of fun together. we spent two weeks together and it was amazing, no complaints at all. but of course, he had to go back to georgia and now we're back to long distance. it's really hard, but i think it has made our relationship a lot stronger in the short amount of time we've been dating. HOWEVER... it's really hard.

so, we've been talking about me moving in with him soon, because he has his own place. i have no doubts at all that we'll be okay whether i stay here or move there but i would just prefer to be closer. i would honestly move to georgia tomorrow if it was at all realistic. i'm currently in college so we've been talking about either this summer or january of next year, before the spring semester begins and i would go to school there. i'd also like to add that he will be visiting a few more times before the summer and i'm also going there, so me moving there won't be our second time meeting haha. if it is during the summer, we will have been together for.. 8 months. if it's in january, 14 months.

i know it's ultimately my call, but i just want to know your opinions. is 8 months too soon, especially considering our long distance situation and our ages? any similar experiences with dating someone in the military (regardless of whether it was successful or not)? thanks everyone! :)


x-posted

Comments

Very valid points and thank you for your input. There definitely are things about him that drive me crazy, and me him, and we do fight. When we were together though, it really did just feel right. Of course, it is still early in the relationship and anything can happen. As far as school goes, I just go to community college so it's not a huuuuge adjustment, but it is an adjustment nonetheless which I will definitely take into consideration when the time comes to make a definite decision. Thanks again :)
I think this is pretty risky stuff. It's very easy to think you know someone very well when you're online or doing long distance, but you don't really know the real them until it's up close and personal for a good deal of time. It sounds like moving in with someone you've only just started a long term relationship with and met once in person is WAY too fast. Though emotions are running high and it seems convenient, don't forget to use your head in this situation. It'd be a lot less convenient to deal with a break up in a place where you don't have your own home or social network. In my opinion, if you want to be closer- maybe look into getting your own place near him. Independence is sexy, and keeps us healthier in our relationships.
I definitely understand what you're saying. Like I said though, we're going to see each other several more times for several weeks before any of this happens. I do love the idea of maybe getting my own place near him, though, that's a really good idea and then I won't be trapped if something happens. Thanks so much for your input, I really appreciate it! :)
I like Kanzan's advice but would also like to add to it.
If you are going to be with a military man, a linguist especially, then you need to be able to accept and eventually embrace distance. It's a necessity in order to survive.

My husband is in the Air Force, they travel the least of all the branches of the military. In the 7 years that we have been together we have probably spent less than 3 years together under the same roof. He just got back from a year in Korea last April and he is fixing to to leave again.
Try to finish school FIRST, before you move.
It's very difficult for military spouses to go to school and have a career with all the moving around that military folks do. Most of them abandon their plans for education shortly after marrying because it is simply too difficult. You move around a lot, you lose credits going from school to school and often, military bases are far away from schools or the schools around them do not offer your chosen degree.
I finally got my education but it was with great sacrifice on both of our parts, his sacrifice was career-wise and I had to live apart from him. We had to pay for two different homes in two different states so I could finish my degree.
If you want to move before you are done with school be certain before you decide to move that the college you will transfer to will accept all of your credits. If, that is, you have decided that college is a must for you.

Another thing, before you get serious with a military man you have to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is the faithful type. I can not tell you how many military men cheat on their wives and families while they are on temporary duty assigmnents or deployed. It's sickening. I'm not trying to scare you but you need to know what you are getting into. I say this because I was military myself and I know what goes down. It's like they have two wives, the shop/deployment wife and the home wife. I'd say that 95% of military men cheat or try to cheat. Know your man, know what you will be able to deal with. Military life is not for everyone.

I don't mean to discourage you. Military life has many wonderful aspects and benefits to it, but it does come with challenges that you should be aware of.
Whatever you decide to do, best wishes all around!
It's very easy to think you know someone very well when you're online or doing long distance, but you don't really know the real them until it's up close and personal for a good deal of time. It sounds like moving in with someone you've only just started a long term relationship with and met once in person is WAY too fast.

I am living right now with a partner I met online. She and I spent a good bit of time talking to one another, when I was in Atlanta and she lived in Oregon. She flew out to visit me, spent a week, and a short time later I packed up and moved out to Portland. We've been together for six years now.

Now, having said that, I'm not twenty years old, and I've got a fair amount of relationship experience under my belt. I also did not become exclusive with someone I only knew online, I am skilled at building social networks, and I already had a friend in the Portland area.

I think the answer is "it depends." Had I tried to move across the country to be with a partner I'd only scarcely met when I was 20, I strongly doubt the relationship would likely have succeeded. Relationship skills are learned, and learning takes experience. The ability to evaluate a person and to evaluate whether or not a partnership is likely to succeed.

I don't think there is a certain amount of time that has to elapse before moving in together. I think what's important when moving in with someone is how good a fit the people involved are; if two people are a good fit, then they can move in together the hour they meet and be successful. If two people aren't a good fit, then they're doomed even if they wait a year before they move in together.

The devil, as they say, is in the details. The heady rush of a new relationship, the excitement of connecting with someone (even online...hell, especially online) all can conspire to make a person overlook red flags and exaggerate compatibility. I've done it, I'm sure most of us have done it. It's not easily to be realistic when you're being giddy at the same time.
this one is pretty smart. defo the mature thing to do.
He's a linguist?
He is!
He's at ft Gordon then. Im one too but a dif language. I'm 21 and a sailor and my husband is 19 and in the army. Our bdays are next month. Same jobs. We come from a school where every one gets married. Lol. I know 8 couples personally in the year I've been here. So be careful lol. </p>

That being said your friends will all be military and their spouses. It might suck to not know anyone. And the job can be demanding. So make sure you can leave if you want to. Other than that I can't really warn you lol.

I should also mention we dated four months before our wedding. Linguists move fast lol.
my first response would be... taking the next step in your relationship, if you are serious and as happy as you say is a wonderful thing, but in warning make sure you are both prepared financially and perhaps have some sort of trial period? i was with my partner for 10 months before asking them to move in with me and then in wasn't until 5 months later we finally did. the biggest issue (aside from our own relationship problems) has been the financial side, me being at uni ('college' i suppose) has put a strain on it because i am unable to earn as much and recently things have been very tough (threat of losing home). But, if when it gets down to it the both of you share the finances equally - i would say thats the best thing to keep a balance in the relationship- and have experienced each other living in the same place for long periods it should by all means work.

repeating whats already in the comments, the honeymoon period will end and it will take work, but if you both feel you are prepared and can manage that then by all means go ahead. and not to put too much of a stereotypical spin on things and i mean no offence, in my experience men and women in the forces tend to be a helluva lot more stable than most and this can only be a good thing :)

i hope you continue having a wonderful relationship :)
Things really do move faster across the big pond, eh.

I've been with my girl for about two years now, and whenever we talked about moving in together it was in jest. we live a 20 minute drive away from each other and hang around quite ofte, no problem. but moving in together? geez, for me, that's a huge step.

generally, the deal with long-distance is you are not really used to spending a lot of consecutive days together. long distance is rather based on holiday-romance than everyday life relationship. and if things turn out badly, you're away from friends and family, basically alone.

Don't mean to scare you though, doing what's right and doing what feels right are two very different things you can't always tell apart so easily.

good luck (=
There is no absolute right or wrong answer. I myself moved in with my significant other (now husband) after a very short courtship. Met online in August 2004, met in person October 2004, and moved into an apartment with him December 2004. I moved out of my parents' home, and he quit his job and moved away from his home town (about 95 miles away from me) to here. Luckily that was when the job market was good, and he had no problems finding a good paying job. We had talked about me moving there, but my job was too stable (and high paying) to leave.

It's rough. I won't lie. There will be fights - but how you handle the fights is what matters. Also: don't allow yourself to become stuck there. ALWAYS leave an exit option (don't sign a lease right away, keep separate accounts, keep a separate savings just in case, etc).

Good luck to you in whatever you decide, and I hope this all turns out marvelously for you!
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking about right when you posted this. The only thing is that, although I'm not currently employed, I am actively seeking a job and working is extremely important to me. So I have every intention of having a job by this summer and I'm not sure what to do about that. :/
Beware! its not what you want to hear but to maove away from your life is a massive step. The worst case scenaorio is that you move, you're unhappy, that causes problems in your realtionship and you break up, what are you left with? best case scenario is happy ever after but thats not real so generally, best case scenario is in fact staying together and working with what you have. Moving there means he will be your only friend for a time, thats a lot of pressure for him and may lead to a slight change in you as you are out of your comfort zone. The result of that situation is niether of you are the person you fell in love with.
You sound pretty sensible and you sound in live which is only a good thing but my advice would be to wait until you have faced adversity together (in whatever form except distance as that is temporary adversity)and see if you pull together or withdraw from each other.
There is no one answer, you literally never know a person until you live with them, there are no early warning of life changing events and these are the things that can cause ructions within a happy, stable relationship. Could you make it through right now? if not I strongly advise you to move near him but not with him just yet. That is still a big step and you will both grow together but with no pressure on either side. My brother moved from the UK to Philly to be with his partener and he is now a full citizen with two lovely children, long distance relationships can work but you need to stay true to yourself and protect yourself. Hope this helps, England is rooting for you (well, a tiny part of England)
I was in a 5 year relationship and we started living together after a year. The breaking up was very difficult and I went to a psycho. Aer 6 month I fall in love with a man. Crazy in love. We met on a trip in Ukraine where I was currently living. We spent to incredible weeks together and he asked me If I wanna go and and see Mexico, where he is from. So after 2 weeks I went to see him in Mexico and after 3 weeks of knowing each other he proposed to me to move and live with him in Mexico. i was a bit scared cause everything was going so fast and I ask my psycho about It. She answeRed there is no fast or slow there is what You feel. I knew I wanted to fall asleep and wake up every day with this man and I didnt care a lot that I had to leave my country my job my family. We live together now 7 month. it is difficult cause living together is difficult, You both need Your own space and bla bla bla, BUT I never regreted cause living together is amazing especialy if You love the one You live with
I was with my boyfriend, also in the military, a month before we moved in together. We've been together over a year now and are getting married in the near future. "Too soon" is never an issue if it's the right person :)
Have you ever been in a serious relationship before, something on the order of at least 9-ish months of exclusivity and frequent/daily contact? If not, I don't think you should move out to be with him. I actually think you probably shouldn't even do long distance. There's just shit we all need to learn about ourselves before we can be mature in a relationship, and learning that stuff almost always involves being immature, regretting it, and changing future behavior. Immaturity can look like a lot of different things, too. It doesn't have to look like irrational fights. It can also take the form of staying with someone who doesn't value you enough or staying with someone out of pride or really anything else remotely pathological.

There's this common idea in society that fights are a sign of your relationship being "real" or "valid." That isn't really very logical. If you find someone with whom you can communicate wonderfully, you probably will almost never fight because you will be able to discuss what might otherwise become problems in a calm, rational, and collaborative manner. The fact that you fight isn't evidence of your relationship being mature. It is evidence of you two having problems, whether those stem from distance or constitutional differences.

Now, supposing that you have been in other, serious relationships before...

You are a student, and the most important thing you can do right now is put yourself into your education; your degree is your ticket to a bright future, corny as that sounds. Other commenters have pointed out the distinct possibility of this move greatly impeding your education. It's kind of unpleasant to think about, but there are probably thousands, tens of thousands of men with whom you could easily fall in love. Statistically, no matter how amazing your relationship, there is probably always someone better suited to you somewhere out there. If that possibility intrigues you, you probably shouldn't stay in the relationship you're in. If it scares you, you probably shouldn't stay in the relationship you're in. If it's "hmm, interesting, too bad I don't give a fuck because I'm consistently more happy than I ever imagined I could be," that's probably a really good sign that you're doing something right.

If you have no doubts that you'll be okay if you don't move there, stay. If you and your boyfriend are deeply compatible and have a real future together, you're right, you'll be fine. And you'll probably find it utterly unbearable to not be together. If, at some point, the distance doesn't seem worth it, it probably isn't. If it is, you'll know. It won't be ambiguous.
My husband and I met online, talked there for a few days before we were bored and decided to met for coffee. I consider that our first date, and it lasted 12 hours and then he crashed at my place. Essentially he moved in that night, and since he's my husband, we clearly got married and hit it off. We've been together almost 2 years now. He also considered the Navy, and that causedme to do a ton of research to get an idea of what I'd be getting into if he did join. If you haven't looked into Navy forums and researching everything, I highly suggest it. The places I found were extremely helpful and everyone I talked to there was nice, but also told me how it was. If you guys stay together, that would be an amazing help to you, as well as give you a little support group that understands Navy life. There are also tons of Navy wives/girlfriend forums to use as well, so you can try to make friends with those women going through the same hardships you will. You might also meet some women in GA, so you can move there already having some of your own friends. We were living in GA when he was considering the Navy and I found a website just for GA Navy wives/girlfriends.

That being said, I know my story is rare, and we certainly have our issues. We did move fast and sometimes regret it, sometimes love it, but we're always striving to be the best partner we can be and solve our problems the best way we can. I do have some advice though. Everyone here has made great points and the choice is ultimately yours. Obviously before you move you plan on visiting him, that's good. Make sure you really check out the city he lives in. What is there to do? What other towns/cities are around? What's there to do there? Make sure you're going to be satisfied with that, because if not you will probably start getting depressed. See how he lives. I know you both will be giddy and probably on your best behavior, but try to really see how he lives. Does he put the toilet seat down? Does/would it bother you if he didn't? How does he keep his toothpaste? Does he wash dishes right away or let them sit in the sink? Look at little things like that that most people don't think about, because those little things might end up bugging the crap out of you. See how closely the things you do (like if you leave the toothpaste cap on or off, or if you wash the dishes right after eating or not) match with how he does them. Some might be perfect, some might not. But knowing what doesn't before you move in means you guys can talk about it before it becomes a problem. For this reason I also think visiting him for like a month before moving would be best. It gives you guys a big block of constantly being together, you get a feel for how much time he's off at work for the Navy and how much actual time you guys will get together, and you'll see how he truly lives (and he will see the same for you).

Be sure you also check the unemployment rate of where he lives as well as possible job opportunities for you a few weeks before you plan to move. Start submitting applications and your resume a few days before moving, so it doesn't get put off when you move down there. Financial strain can be a huge issue, so you need to make sure you're preparing yourself for a job as much as possible before moving. If you wait until after, it might get pushed back. You will be busy with moving and giddy about being with him, before you know it it's been weeks since you moved and you haven't applied anywhere. Same with college. Like someone else said, make sure the colleges around there will take all your credits, offer the degree you want, and are affordable. Checking out the colleges when you visit him would also be wise. You can talk to the advisors there, and walk around the campus to make sure you like it.

There isn't really any too fast or slow option here, it's just how you feel. If you feel it's right after doing everything you can to check things out, go for it. If the city kinda sucks or the colleges don't appeal, then wait. Good luck with everything. :]
It's too soon.
Not 8 months or 2 or a year. Because of the type of relationship you've had, you've only been in the good. Do you know each other in anger? What would happen if you fought? Would you have a place to stay for a night? Would he?
Have you resolved who pays for what? If one of you is messy? There is a reason marriage is hard in the beginning and while you're not getting married, living together is pretty much what it is without the paper work. A temporary marriage at least.
The best for a relationship is to go slowly. This will rush it.
Nevertheless, I have moved in too soon with someone only to not be able to stand how messy he was; and I moved in too soon with someone else only to end up marrying him.
Whatever you decide, much good luck :)
I'd give it more time to be honest. You have college and he's deployed. There's a lot you have to think about and I'm not just talking about the relationship. Will you be able to afford the move and also would you be able to transfer to another school that has the major you're studying? Sure it'll seem like sunshine and rainbows with you two at first but it can quickly turn into a rainstorm or tempest if shit hits the fan. There's arguments over how much time you guys spend with each other, the household finances, contributions all that stuff. It's no bed of roses. Ask your self if the risks outweigh the benefits before you dive right in.
I don't think there is a right answer here. It all depends on your own relationship. I moved in with my partner just a couple of months after we started dating (for circumstantial reasons) and we are still together 4 years later ;)
well... :)))

I have moved in with one guy immediately after we met basically, once :)))
and the other time we had a year of long distance with super romantic meetups and vacations together and then I moved to be with him.

I think that nobody knows, 8 months is not too early, HOWEVER, you don't really know each other when you are in long distance relationship and you get to meet a real person only when you actually move in like that. that's what I know based on my own experience and what I see happening around

HOWEVER, again :)))) it must feel like there's no other way, and maybe it's not
it's so romantic and you both want it
and either way it's something you'll regret if you don't do, probably.

my only advice is that when you do that, set it up the way you don't ruin anything in your life for this relationship. don't drop out of school, make sure you know what are you going to do when you move - school, job, etc, that you are self sufficient. you have money. not because the relationship might not work out, but because it creates a better ground for living in a new town, it will be better for a relationship, too, so you will immediately have new people in your life, not only your bf.

good luck!
In short, if you're wondering if it's too soon, then it is...